February72012
Taking a poop in my grandma’s guest bathroom for the first time in since I was about 10 and it feels like a time warp. Taking shits in here is burned into my memory- the pink rugs, the potpourri, the water pitcher things for your ass that i never figured out how to use. The tiny cramped space next to the shower. The whole room is no bigger than 5 feet x 5 feet, and half of it is the shower. Being a little kid and staring up at the high ceiling with that strange fan contraption that always turned on when I turned on the light. Sometimes I would turn off the light just to sit there in silence. Then I would shit. I’d shit my 10 year old brains out.
January192012
This is now an official NPS (National Poop Society) Record for number of ghosts poops (no wipe necessary) in a row: 3.
Common denominator seems to be a combination of determination, perspiration, and chipotle.
January122012
I hate when you think there’s a spider on your butt but then it turns out to be a hair or something. I also hate it when my butthole is itchy but then it turns out to be that my butthole is fucking itchy as hell
December312011
This poop can represent 2011 as a whole, really. A rough start but a quick turnaround into epic victory, plenty of corn, and lots of new faces. I can also look back and laugh at it, as well as admiring it.
December222011
This blog, I’ve come to realize, is the pinnacle of human evolution. Why am I doing this? What is my place? This is one possible universe- I’m trying to shit, and evolution has created this brain that views my poop, which is just the nothingest natural thing, as hilarious enough to take out this unreal technology in my hand while sitting on hundreds of years of plumbing development and spew my nothing thoughts into a mass web of information floating in space. *INSERT MONOLITH FROM 2001*
*CUE SCORE CRESCENDO*
I FARTED
December182011
I truly believe that if everyone had really interesting and crazy dreams every night, and could always remember them, everyone would be more creative and imaginative.
One time I dreamt that a shoebox full of spaghetti was my army. More recently I had a nightmare(?) about midgets and their potential for aerial attack.
So much poop and I’ve barely woken up yet.
December172011
Some things just have stupid names. Why did someone ever call it a walkie talkie? Was it invented by 3 year olds? Surely it could have a more sophisticated name. But I guess it makes it funny when sophisticated or important people say it.
Did you know that a second is called a second because it’s the second division of an hour by 60? Blew my mind. I also never really realized that “a second” is the same word as “second place.” You know what I mean.
I have absolutely no idea what I ate to deserve this.
December152011
I always say I don’t give a shit (ha) about awards ceremonies like the oscars or globes, but of course when nominations come out I get angry and/or excited for like 5 minutes. But still, fuck them. It’s all politics and bs. But still, if I ever got one I would probably shit (ha).
The worth of a movie doesn’t change depending on how it fares in awards shows. Same with directors. But ugh why didn’t aronofsky win.
Ambivalence and puns over.
December142011
Growing up and graduating from college is an interesting experience. Life moves really fast, but I can only imagine how fast it’s gonna move when you’re raising children. I think the weight of it all is going to hit me on the 7 hour drive home from here. As much as I love this city, it’ll never be home. My heart will always be with my family. This Chinese food is coming back with a vengeance. Far too little tp.
